Live8 My Hamster

'Tis the job of the middle classes, of all political persuasions, to join together and spend hours and inches discussing issues like Live8 while doing nothing practically to change anything other than their curtains. I will be no exception.

I hate Queen. Even in an ironic way, they're shit. And I genuinely like 70's and 80's rock that in many ways is far more preposterous than those idiots. And Queen fans are always weird. Like people who still go to church every Sunday. (In addition, Ben Elton can cash my fuck off cheque right now. It won't bounce).

Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Bono are deeply suspect. Midge showed his deep commitment to Africa by releasing his autobiography at the same time as 'Do They Still Know It's Xmas' last year. Geldof is pictured with his head resting on Blair's shoulder on the front of The Guardian today. Bono is a bit of a twat who has shades tattooed to his face. To be fair the second Bob or Ure said anything that threatened the status quo (enter your joke of choice here) they'd be shut out like terrible pygmies. But Bono could declare himself Trotsky reincarnated and he'd still be huge.

If you want to see the bands on the London bill, you're an idiot. Er, apart from Pink Floyd, who although showing terrible taste in launching a reunion tour are still great.

If you want to see the bands on the Canadian or Eden Project bills, you're probably ok. Probably

It will change nothing. The only way to solve all this bollocks is to fundamentally up-end the way we organise our wordly existence. This isn't going to happen through more aid, or more Annie Lennox or more free trade or by us discussing Joss Stone again. The G8 gives about as much of a flying fuckbox about an equal world as a Manager who calls you a 'partner' and buys you a drink every Xmas, while earning 80 times your wage.

Though it just might... It just might, just, possibly make a few people put two and two together and start to discuss the world. Certainly they'll be more discussion of politics watching Live8 than while gawping at Wimbledon, or (sadly) on what remains of Gay Pride.

So, I don't know, I love live 'event' tv, so I'll be watching £50,000 Ross on Saturday and wearing a white band and arguing about neo-liberalism as much as the next man. And who knows, maybe for one day the next man might actually be doing the same.